[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
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I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]