I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
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Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
so weird how every mom was born today
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.