him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
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I’ve had relationships like this
I bet
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
I’m so full I could puke a horse
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.