God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
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What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.