I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
You Might Also Like
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
“What movie?” 🤔
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.