Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
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Damn he played himself
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
My sex drive has a dui
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”