This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
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4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
my mind
You just read my mind
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver