LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
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Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
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Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.