“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
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Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
What the hell happened here.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.