The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
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Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.