The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
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Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”