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Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids