Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
You Might Also Like
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?