The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
You Might Also Like
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here