Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
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honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*