[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
You Might Also Like
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo