What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
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Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…