If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
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no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Planet of the Apps.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse