Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
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casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.