Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
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Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
LOL
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
I am also baked goods
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.