I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
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Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
[shakes fist at other fist]
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.