Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
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FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?