every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
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where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
my retirement plan is braless
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
necessity is the mother of invention
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
plant them where lol
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?