did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
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[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
The Joker was right
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Why does laundry happen to good people?