Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
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I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.