Monday?
No. Next question.
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Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath