Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
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If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.