… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
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ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Your honor these allegations are
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.