11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
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*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Wait a minute
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.