My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
You Might Also Like
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
it must be school picture day
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness