are there any atheist mantises?
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[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
my one true gender
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Growing out my freckles.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.