I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
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ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…