Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
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there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.