pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
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Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”