People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
You Might Also Like
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.