Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
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I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Chicago sounds lovely.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk