If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
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I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
(by @ZachWeiner )
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am