“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
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IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”