There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
You Might Also Like
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
If you need a laugh.. 😅
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.