FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
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My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves