PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
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App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?