Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
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I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
oppen heimer style lol
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul