Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
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Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them