I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
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[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.