Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
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Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Realize this:
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue