[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
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*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”