*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
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Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
wishing you and yours all the best
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?