I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
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Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY