The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
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Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.