“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
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I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window